I, Mick Kern, one of the friendly neighborhood hosts of NHL Home Ice, after much thought, do declare that:
- the Boston Bruins will almost miss the playoffs
- the Tampa Bay Lightning will just miss the playoffs
- John Tavares will be lucky to score ten goals this season
- Evgeni Malkin will be traded a few weeks before the NHL Trading Deadline
- two members of the Calgary Flames will fight on-ice, with each other, during a game this season
- Alex Kovalev will score 18 goals this season, 17 of them against the Montreal Canadiens
- Dominik Hasek will attempt another comeback
- the KHL will cobble together a financial offer so overwhelming that Alexander Ovechkin actually books a one-way airline ticket to Moscow, before being talked out of it by Tony Robbins
- Boomer Gordon will open up the phones during his XM Home Ice show and take phone calls from the listeners
- the Detroit Red Wings will be exposed as the liars and cheaters that they’ve been since 1997
- it will be a balmy 58 degrees at Fenway on January 1st
- Kevin Lowe and Brian Burke will bump into each other at a Raleigh-area Burger King, sit down and share a Whopper together
- Jim Balsillie will put in a bid for the remaining 29 National Hockey League franchises
- Peter Laviolette will replace Paul Maurice as the head coach of the Carolina Hurricanes
- it will be rumoured one particular NHL head coach twitters his line changes to his players
- this will quickly come to an end, when he realizes a third of them can’t read
- for some reason, Blaine Lacher will receive an impressive number of Hockey Hall of Fame votes, just missing the cut
- Versus will hire Maggie the Monkey
- Scott Laughlin will grow a mustache
- after winning the “Battle of the Blades” reality contest show on CBC, Tie Domi will enter MMA
- Jim Balsillie will try to buy MMA
- Sean Avery will take a vow-of-silence
- Jeremy Roenick, even retired, thankfully will not
- Germany will win the Olympic Gold for men’s hockey at the 2010 Winter Games in Vancouver
- the NHL will announce they are adding two teams in time for the 2011-12 season
- one of those teams will be in Milwaukee, the other rumoured to be in Tulsa
- bloggers for the Detroit Red Wings and Washington Capitals will continue to show their complete ignorance of the game of hockey
- except for Paul Kukla, who, unfortunately for him, will have at least two of his hockey viewing parties crashed by Rossy and Mick
- Saku Koivu will raise the Stanley Cup in June as a member of the Anaheim Ducks
- Scarlett Johansson will leave her husband, and shack up with an on-air host at NHL Home Ice
- sadly, it won’t be me
- Mick Kern
Tags: are you serious, Burger King, Fearless NHL 2009-2010 Predictions, Maggie the Monkey, Milwaukee, NHL Home Ice, Scarlett Johansson, The War Room, Tulsa, Whopper, XM 204