Instead of coming up with a semi-accurate, half-hearted definition of what constitutes a superstar, let’s consult a dictionary.  Since it’s 2009, let’s thumb through an on-line edition.

Superstar, according to Merriam-Webster Online:

• Function: noun
• Date: 1924

1 : a star (as in sports or the movies) who is considered extremely talented, has great public appeal, and can usually command a high salary
2 : one that is very prominent or is a prime attraction <a diplomatic superstar>

When the Dany Heatley trade to San Jose was finally completed over the weekend, a number of sports news services identified Heatley as being a superstar.

A superstar?  Really?  Sure, only two other NHL players have scored more goals since the lockout than Heatley, but does he meet all the qualifications required in order to wear the superstar crown?

From my vantage point, a superstar in any milieu transcends their surroundings.  In other words, even your dear Aunt Gertie that doesn’t like sports knows who, say, Alexander Ovechkin is, and probably has an opinion about him.  Don’t get her going on the hot stick celebration.

Following that line of thinking, I propose that there are currently only two NHL players that are bigger than the sport.

Alexander Ovechkin and Sidney Crosby.  The ying and the yang.  The Beatles and the Stones.  Mario Lemieux and Wayne Gretzky.

Evgeni Malkin should be considered, if only because his on-ice talents are so immense, and only getting stronger, but I haven’t seen any tangible evidence that supports his inclusion into the select club of superstars.  If on-ice talent were the only yardstick being applied, then Pavel Datsyuk or Ilya Kovalchuk, and maybe Dany Heatley, would have to be included.

Where these gentlemen fall short for serious consideration of being called a superstar is this section of the definition:

has great public appeal

Keep-in-mind every individual franchise has a player or two that is held very close to the bosom of the local fanbase, and as such, their respective values are usually inflated.  For instance, Rick Nash of the Columbus Blue Jackets can be one of the most exciting players in the league today.  His YouTube-ready goals, where he dekes through half the team, and some of the guys up in the press box, are a beauty to behold, and understandably, the faithful in Ohio would clamour that Nash is a superstar.

The argument is all context.  Within the world of the Blue Jackets, Nash is the face of the franchise, thus he is a superstar.  Within the expanded world of the National Hockey League, Nash is one of the young stars that make the game so exciting to watch.  You could make a credible argument that Nash is an NHL superstar.

You would have to work awfully hard to convince me that Nash, or Heatley or Datsyuk or Roberto Luongo, are true superstars.  They do not transcend the game of hockey.  Within the hockey world, they are larger-than-life.  Outside of those cozy borders, they would be lost, unrecognizable to the average person walking down the street of any American city.  For that matter, the majority of non-hockey fans in Canada wouldn’t recognize them either.

Put Ovechkin or Crosby in downtown Manhattan (without the Zamboni in Ovechkin’s case), or on Manhattan Beach in Southern California, or in surburban St. Louis or at the Steak ‘n Shake in Battle Creek, Michigan, and most likely both of these dudes would be recognized.

For a variety of reasons, Ovechkin and Crosby are currently bigger than the game of hockey.

That doesn’t mean they’re better or smarter.  That doesn’t mean we should all bow down and praise them (though maybe we should for all the attention they bring to the game).  That doesn’t mean that their opinons are sacrosanct.  So before the mouthbreathing bloggers of the cyberworld get their shorts all in a knot, keep this sobering thought in mind.  Most likely your favourite player is a nobody outside of the world of hockey.  That’s not the case with Ovechkin and Crosby.

Why these two?  Well, we’ve already listed awesome on-ice talent as one major factor, but they have to have more than that.  Both young men have been marketed very successfully, in particular Crosby, who became the face of the NHL as it emerged from the 2004-05 lockout.

Ovechkin basically elbowed his way onto the marquee, and his fun-loving flair that he paints everything he touches with cannot be denied.

The camera likes both of these guys, for different reasons.  The media likes both of these guys, for different reasons.  Hockey fans are drawn to these two guys, for different reasons.  Love them or hate them, you’re talking about them.

Thus it comes as no real surprise that the sports media sought out Crosby and Ovechkin to get their opinions on the recent firing of NHLPA head Paul Kelly.  Some hockey fans ridiculed the need to ask these two particular players their personal opinions.  Where did they get off thinking they were bigger and better than the game?

Well, they don’t think that.  Neither player put out a press release saying “come and talk to me about Paul Kelly”.  It was only natural for the media to beat a path to their doors, because when these two young men speak, people listen.

Much like when a young Wayne Gretzky, after another blowout win over the woeful New Jersey Devils, called the Devils a Mickey Mouse organization.  No truth to the rumour that’s what got Michael Eisner interested in hockey.

Much like when a younger Mario Lemieux, tired of carrying a couple of clutching-and-grabbing defencemen on his back almost every time he broke into the offensive zone, openly questioned the NHL about their lack of enforcement of their own rule book.

The hockey, and sports world, listened.  And yes, some people complained then that Gretzky and Lemieux should just shut up and play the game.  What makes these whippersnappers think they’re bigger than the game?

(There are reactionaries everywhere).

Both players were right. Bang on.  And both were right to speak out.

So when Ovechkin tells espn.com that even if the NHL decides not to participate in the 2014 Winter Olympics, he still plans to go…well folks, that’s news.  Washington Capitals’ owner Ted Leonsis, one of the more progressive owners in the league, did his best to downplay the comments, but the desired effect was already achieved.  It got people, and no doubt the players, thinking about the issue.

Once again, Ovechkin elbowed his way in.

With all due respect, Dany Heatley does not have that same ability.  Nor has he asked for it; if anything, he seems rather happy not to be in the spotlight.  Ovechkin craves it, while Crosby understands he’s been thrust into it since an early age.  Both men handle the spotlight differently, and they handle it well.

Alexander Ovechkin and Sidney Crosby are the only two true superstars in the league today.  Now what remains to be seen is if they can transcend North American popular culture.  Arguably, only two NHL players have ever reached those lofty heights.

Bobby Orr and Wayne Gretzky.

Particularly Wayne Gretzky.  The Great One is still the face of hockey for most of the world.

We tend to throw around words carelessly.  The word great has been mostly stripped of its power.  Anyone that is in the public eye is a star.  In the sports media, we have also devalued the word superstar.  I am trying to reclaim it for those few worthy enough to wear the crown.

Ovechkin and Crosby.

If you don’t like it, deal with it.  You might want to start by shunning all popular media in North America.  No doubt you’ll be seeing the faces of these two men plastered all over television, and magazines, and posters, and websites for the better part of the next decade.

- Mick Kern

Ohh man.  This week, Eric Gage and Mick Kern discuss the 2009 Stanley Cup Final, with Eric making the contention that Sidney Crosby is now The King of The World.  They also talk about marketing the NHL in the aftermath of Game Seven, how Wayne Gretzky transcended the game of hockey, and female names that begin with the letter J.   A little Ozark Mountain Daredevils will do the trick, only on The One Percentile Podcast.  Now available on itunes in Canada and certain parts of Belgium.

Who knew?

I mean, we should have known.  It’s not like he kept it a secret.

Every time Maxime Talbot would enter that car dealership in Pittsburgh, and talk with the pretty lady, he’d declare that he was a “superstar”.  And every time, watching that TV commercial at home, I would crack up at, well, first the bad acting on everyone’s part, and second, at the thought of Talbot as a superstar, even in the fevered mind of some scriptwriter.

Well, after Game Seven this evening in Detroit, Monsieur Talbot can indeed be treated to superstar treatment wherever he goes all this summer, thanks to two of the biggest goals he’ll ever score during his life.

Don’t know about you, but that was an emotionally draining game to watch, and I don’t root for either team involved.  We all wanted a great Game Seven, well, we got one.  A game for the ages.

Have there been better playoff games?  Heck, yes, including a number during these playoffs.  Have there been better Game Sevens?  Probably, but this one deserves to be somewhere on the list, particularly after time passes, and we all have had a chance to savour what we just witnessed.

None of the three goals were highlight reel material, but then again, none of them were fluky.  Okay, the Penguins got a fortutitous bounce on the first Talbot goal, but that kind of bounce happens in the game of hockey on a regular basis.  The question is, what will you do with such a gift when presented with it.

Talbot tore the wrapping paper off it and lit the lamp.

Sure, Fleury probably would have liked to have had that Detroit goal back, but from a fan’s perspective, the Wings scoring late only served to rachet up the tension to a sublime level.  It was sweet pain.

Many people, including myself, were hoping that this game would be so good that it would have to go into overtime to decide things.  Well, close enough.  Only two previous Stanley Cup Game Seven’s have gone into extra time, and we’ll have to wait for another shot at such an ending.

But Detroit certainly didn’t surrender, despite the clock ticking down on their chance at a second Cup-in-a-row.  With 6.5 seconds remaining in the third, they controlled the puck, and set up a beauty of a chance with, what, a second remaining?  Okay, we didn’t get overtime, but we were treated to Fleury making a heck of a save to preserve the Penguins’ third Cup in team history.  Shades of Patrick Roy, who, according to those quick profiles Hockey Night in Canada does at the end of every Cup clinching game, was one of Fleury’s goaltending heroes growing up; Roy and Martin Brodeuer.

Roy has four Cups and free admission anytime into the Hockey Hall-of-Fame.  Brodeur has three Cups and will get that same pass someday soon.  Fleury has one Cup and counting.  No matter what happens during the rest of his career, Marc-Andre Fleury is a Stanley Cup winning goaltender.

Which brings us to the Terrific Two.  Evgeni Malkin and Sidney Crosby.

Malkin erased all bad memories of last year’s Final, and had a great playoff, after a great regular season.  He wins the Conn Smythe Trophy, (the first Russian to do so), in the same season that he won the Art Ross Trophy.  Think of what this amazing young player has accomplished after only three seasons in the NHL.  Not too shabby.

Neither was the effort of Penguins’ captain Sidney Crosby, who limped off the ice after being on the receiving end of a terrific hit during the second period.  He came back for the third period, and took a shift, but it was no go.

Didn’t matter.  Crosby did what he had to do earlier on, particularly down the stretch during the regular season and during the first three rounds of the playoffs, including when Pittsburgh were down 2-games-to-none against the Washington Capitals in the second round.

All the Sidney Crosby haters out there, I sincerely hope you choked on the image of 87 lifting the Stanley Cup.

It was beautiful.  One of the true superstars of hockey, accepting the Stanley Cup as captain.  Put aside your petty prejudices and think of what this young man has already accomplished during his four years in the National Hockey League.  With this Cup win, he’s practically done it all.  Oh sure, the likes of Alexander Ovechkin may very well get to this point in the near future (and what a fine moment that will be), but Crosby, and crew, beat him there.  That’s a fact.  Twist it as you will.  Denigrate it on the internet billboards with juvenile talk of league conspiracy, but nothing will change that fact.

Man, there can’t be much better things in the world of sports than waiting to hoist that Cup.  The Conn Smythe was the Christmas stocking; the Cup were the mountains of presents under the tree.  Just rewind your PVR and watch the eyes of the Penguins’ players as that moment arrived.  At that juncture in time, money and injuries meant nothing.  It was all about the win, all about the team, all about the Cup.

And that ends maybe the most enjoyable National Hockey League post-season I have ever watched, and I’ve watched them all since 1971.  The first and second rounds featured some amazingly enjoyable hockey.  The third round dipped a bit, but it set up a fantastic seven-game Stanley Cup Final between the Red Wings and the Penguins.  One for the ages.

The King, ahem, the Wing is dead.  Long live the King Penguin.

- Mick Kern

For the record: with the Penguins’ win, the XM NHL Home Ice Hockey Pool for picking the most series’ wins correctly goes to Scott Laughlin and myself, who were right on 12-out-of-15 series.  I’d like to selfishly point out Scott and I both had the Penguins winning in seven, and it’s the third straight year I’ve either won this pool, or shared first place.  All bow and praise me.

Scott Laughlin  12-out-of-15 series correctly picked
Mick Kern - 12-out-of-15
Dan Blakeley - 11
Peter Berce - 10  (also had Pittsburgh in 7)
Joe Thistel - 10
Phil Esposito - 9
Shawn Lavigne - 8
Mike Ross - 8

(this list only of guys who submitted picks for all four rounds)

With all due respect to Gary Green, who I recall uttering the phrase “That’s Hockey” a lot during his TSN days in the 1990’s, I hope he’ll be alright with me borrowing it, (in fact, he’s probably saying it himself tonight), after a throughly entertaining Game Four of the Stanley Cup Final.

It took four games, but finally we had delivered, to our door, piping hot, a number of highlight reel goals.  Took long enough, particularly when you consider how many top-notch players are involved in this series.

Before we get to all that, there is a symmetry developing in this series.  The Red Wings take the first two games at home 3-1 both times.  The Penguins turn around and take the next two games at their barn 4-2 each time.  Okay, it should have been 5-2, but referee Bill McCreary didn’t see fit to award an obvious empty-net goal that was negated by an obvious infraction, probably reasoning that the puck was bouncing when it was shot towards the net, thus the player didn’t have control of the puck.  C’mon Billy.  That one was going in.  What if I needed it in the pool?

Another trend; the visiting team has outshot the home team in each of the first four games, yet comes out on the short end of the one stat that trumps all other stats…the total number of goals scored per game.

Back to the second period.  The three goals the Penguins scored in that frame were all nice efforts, each one building on the one before, and the last two coming after Pittsburgh killed off back-to-back penalties.

Jordan Staal reminded everyone he hasn’t been in the press box with Tie Domi for most of this series, as he scored a beauty of a shorthanded goal to tie the game at 2 apiece.

Just under two minutes later, the Terrific Two stormed down the ice after a Detroit turnover, and Malkin showed again why he’s an amazing, gifted hockey player, as he kept the puck in front of him, and after his first pass attempt to Crosby didn’t work, he calmly regrouped, and sent it over to 87, who calmly deposited it into the net.  Very nice to watch.

And then, ladies and gentlemen, just when you thought it couldn’t get any better, the Penguins storm the Red Wings’ zone once again, this time completing a perfect tic-tic-toe play into the back of the net.  Bee-u-ti-ful.  One of those goals that brings you out of your seat, whether you’re at the arena, seated outside the arena with all those other Penguins’ zealots, or at home on your lumpy couch.

It was the type of goal that if you’re not cheering for a particular team, it enabled you even more so to savour the moment.  It was gold.

And it meant a 4-2 lead the Penguins would not relinquish, which means we’ve officially got a series now, folks.  It’s different from last year.  Oh, the Red Wings may still wrap things up in six games, very, very possible.  But this year, the Penguins have made it clear that they have every intention of winning the Cup, and intend to battle for it.

Detroit fans will take to their keyboards and unleash a torrent of smarmy comments upon reading this, but come on, with a bounce here or there, it’s the Penguins that could easily be up three games to one.  I still think, overall, Detroit was the better team in the first two games, but we all know how Lady Luck don’t give a damn about fairness.

The best thing is, in spite of the fine June weather, we are guaranteed at least two more games.  If they’re anything like tonight, then that’s a very fine thing indeed.  The two days off between Game Five and Game Six will provide even more time for Pavel Datsyuk to ride in on his white horse, and that might prove to be the tipping point.

The thing is, the young Penguins don’t appear to be too worried about what’s thrown in their way right now.  They managed to manufacture more odd man rushes against the mighty Red Wings tonight than I’ve seen in recent memory.  While Chris Osgood was his usual steady self in net, Marc-Andre Fleury matched him, and he’ll have to do that for the rest of the series in order for there to even be a chance of a new Stanley Cup champion.

But what do I care?  This was exciting hockey tonight.  Jacques Martin, are you watching?

- Mick Kern

Well, that was quick.  Much like Christmas. A ton of buildup and, bang, before you know it, the whole thing’s over except for the relatives who won’t leave.

Now that the Red Wings own a 2-0 lead in this series, thanks to Sunday evening’s 3-1 win over the Penguins, can we officially stop with the whining about back-to-back games?  Getting right back at it the day after Game One only served to enhance my anticipation for puck drop that evening.

And thankfully it was an evening game.  As a fan, it was fantastic that I could spend a beautiful Sunday with the family, enjoy a fine chicken dinner prepared by my hockey-weary wife, and then hit the couch for Game Two of the Stanley Cup Final.  The NHL should make this a habit, though next time I’d prefer steak…with ketchup.

Once again, Pittsburgh showed that they can play at or near the level of the Red Wings, but then again, so did the Chicago Blackhawks for much of their Western Conference Final series, and look where that got them.

Let’s delve into the NHL record books and look at two damning stats; damning if you’re a Penguins supporter and/or Red Wings hater.

First off, when a team is trailing 2-0 in a best-of-seven playoff series, they’re pretty much done like dinner.  Out of 291 series played before this year, only 37 times has a club cliimbed out of that crater.  For those without a calculator app. on their iPod Touch, that’s only 12.7% percent of the time.  Not promising.

But wait…there’s more.  Actually, there’s less.  Much less.  Let’s zoom in on those playoff stats of days gone by, and see how many teams have climbed out of a 2-0 hole in the Stanley Cup Final.

Teams that have taken the first two games of the Stanley Cup Final have gone on to hoist the big mug a whopping 93.2% of the time.  Only 3 teams in 44 Final series have ever bucked that trend.  Off the top of my head, obviously the 1942 Toronto Maple Leafs are one, and they really turned the trick, storming back from a 3-0 deficit against Detriot.  The 1971 Montreal Canadiens came back from a 2-0 deficit against the Black Hawks, and apparently another team also did it, so it can be done.

But really, it’s been done only 6.8% of the time.  Try those odds at Vegas while you’re there for the NHL Awards.

The Penguins had a good reason to complain about the non-call on their former mate Marian Hossa, who got away with an infraction that led directly, and I stress, LED DIRECTLY, to the second goal by Detroit.  Suuuure, let the boys play, as all the old windbags at Hockey Night in Canada like to crow about, but that one directly influenced a game.  In that case, the officials didn’t let the boys play; the officials had a hand in the outcome.

Having said all that, as well as the Penguins have competed in the first two games, the Red Wings have been just that much better.  They are full marks for their two-game lead, regardless of the non-call on Hossa.  Detroit have clogged up the front of their net, and the Penguins have to be frustrated by their inability to create any secondary or tertiary scoring opportunities the rare times they get through the Red Wall.  Witness Malkin near the end of the game discovering his inner Jay Caufield.

And when they do get close, the Pens hit the post.  And hit it again.  And hit it again. 

Hey, it’s like an old goaltender friend of mine, Mr. Richard Cousins, once said after a late night pickup hockey game in Ottawa back when I could still skate.  The shooter has to put the puck in the net.  Not off the cross-bar, not off the post.  In the net.  Nothing else matters.

And those shots off-the-post don’t even count as official shots-on-net, for the very reason they weren’t on net.  There was no way they could go in, unless they hit someone on their journey back out into the crease.

But Pittsburgh has not enjoyed any such luck in the first two games.  In fact, one can argue none of the goals scored by both teams in the two games have been a work of art.  They’ve gone in off the boards, a couple of floaters, a defenceman sweeps it into his own net, etc.  We’re still waiting for a signature goal, a moment that will define this series for years to come.

The way things are unfolding right now, the only signature moment from the 2009 Stanley Cup Final will be when Marian Hossa lifts the Cup over his head, proving that he chose his path correctly last summer.

- Mick Kern

After a night of boring hockey between the Anaheim Ducks and the Detroit Red Wings, we were rewarded with two, two mints-in-one, great hockey games on Wednesday evening.

Most of the attention will be garnered by the Capitals-Penguins tilt in Pittsburgh, and for good reason.  The Penguins had to win Game Three, because there wasn’t a Basille chance in the NHL that they’d climb out of a 3-zip hole against the Caps. 

Right out of the gate, the puck somehow finds Ovechkin and I’m sitting on the couch, thinking this is the final proof that the Gods of the Montreal Forum have surveyed the lay of the land, and have chosen the Washington Capitals as the true heir to the throne.

But a hockey game is sixty minutes long, at least, and the rest of the evening featured entertaining hockey in a great old barn that I’ll be sad to see go.  The much-maligned Evgeni Malkin and Sidney Crosby performed like the superstars they are, as the hometown Penguins outplayed the visitors for large stretches of this game.

Not that the Capitals rolled over, not by any means.  They got fantastic goaltending, once again, from Simeon VarLAmov, which begs the question…what happened to all the nay sayers who thought the Caps pulled the trigger way too quick when they booted Jose Theodore out of the crease after their game one loss to the New York Rangers?  Where would they be if they had kept ole’ Jose in the net?  Yup. Golfing.  Enjoying the good life.

This kid is the real deal.  So much so, if Todd McFarlane is reading this (and he should be, seeing that I’ve bought enough of his McFarlane Sports Picks figures over the past eight years), fire up that kiln and come up with a nifty looking VarLAmov figure, please.

The Penguins could only put two past The Kid, before Washington tied it up late, sending this one into overtime.

Forget all those silly ideas we heard this past week about tinkering with overtime.  Is nothing sacred in the NHL???

Both teams went at it in the extra frame, and the Penguins found the back of the net, turning this officially into a series.  Amazing what one goal can do.

Still, as good as that game was, the Bruins-Hurricanes battle in North Carolina was better.

What’s with these Hurricanes?  Deep within those sharp-looking red uniforms, still beats the unappreciated heart of the Hartford Whalers.  This team never seems to get the same attention as everyone else left in the playoffs.  Many probably didn’t watch (or couldn’t) the Hurricanes-Devils series in the first round, and that is a shame.  That was fine hockey.  That’s the type of hockey I hope will develop every time they drop the puck.

The same thing seems to be developing in this Boston-Carolina matchup.  The Bruins had to be considered the favourite coming into the series, and I did pick them to win, though my heart is with the Hurricanes.  Both Cam Ward and Tim Thomas have been putting on a goaltending clinic, and what’s great is that both gentlemen have a different style.  It’s been fun to watch.  As good as gorgeous goals are, nothing beats an amazing save.  Kudos to Jonas Hiller and his ilk, but these two guys in this series are much more fun to watch.

Both the Bruins and Hurricanes came out and started Game Three with a purpose.  If you were at the arena, and paid top dollar for your seats, you got your money’s worth.  Same thing if you invested time in front of the TV.

The ongoing battle between Eric Staal and Norris Trophy candidate (and winner, if I had a vote) Zdeno Chara has been intriguing to watch develop.  The line matching, or more accurately, the Staal matching that Bruins’ head coach Claude Julien has been doing has been masterful, though the ‘Canes have managed to get Staal out on the ice without his shadow a couple of times, and they were decisive moments.

This one also found it’s way into overtime, and the home team won, grabbing a 2-1 lead in the series.  Both teams are playing a level of hockey that has me counting the hours until they drop the puck for Game Four.

What all this means is that whatever teams emerge from both series, it’s setting up to be a heck of an Eastern Conference Final.

Quickly on the ongoing Jim Balsillie sage.  How EXACTLY do you pronounce this dude’s name?  Is it BALL-SILLY?  Or is it BALL-SLEE?  Or could it be BALL-SI-LEE?  Last year, I called the front desk at the RIM headquarters, and asked that question.  They said go with BALL-SILLY.

I’ve heard all three pronunciations in the past twenty-four hours.  No doubt the NHL head office pronounces it in a completely different manner.

Regardless of what happens with Balsillie and the money-bleeding Phoenix Coyotes ($200 million dollars lost since 2001???  If the Coyotes made cars, they could quality for federal funding), there remains a few points to be made about the feasibility of relocating an NHL franchise to Canada.

1.  There would realistically be a finite amount of places you could successfully place a team in Canada.

2.  Southern Ontario could be one of those places, but nowhere else springs to mind.  You can rule out Winnipeg and Quebec City.  Many of the same problems that they were saddled with back in the mid-90’s persist, though there are entire websites set up to debunk these theories. 

The crucial thing to keep in mind is, can an NHL franchise exist in a specific market even when all the external factors are against it?  The team has been lousy for three or four seasons, the economy has tanked, the bloom is off the rose?  What then?  Sure, most cities will support a winner, but that’s no way to build a solid foundation for a franchise in any sport, outside of maybe the NFL.  Not everyone can win.  Not everyone can make the playoffs…though I think the NHL is working on that.

3.  If Balsillie eventually ends up with his own NHL team, and is permitted to move them to Southern Ontario, what would happen to that franchise if he became disinterested in the team years from now?  Would Hamilton, or Kitchener-Waterloo, or Vaughn have enough of a corporate culture to draw upon for economic support?  My guess is no.  Even a second team in Toronto is not guaranteed to be a success.  The Maple Leafs will always be number one.  They would be the Yankees to Balsillie’s Mets.  Both can prosper, but the newcomer will never be the top dog.

4.  How does a move into the Southern Ontario market affect a team such as the Buffalo Sabres, and maybe even the Detroit Red Wings, particularily since the economy has gone in the toilet, and any recovery in the next couple of years most likely will largely pass over the Rust Belt?

5.  How much influence do the Toronto Maple Leafs have in the backrooms of the NHL?

6.  Should the NHL just broker some sort of deal/understanding with Balsillie, since the guy doesn’t appear to be going away, and one gets the feeling this is a man who gets what he’s after, no matter what the cost?  It might be advisable for the NHL to avoid the courts, for what if they lose, and set a precedent for future franchise movement? 

The league understandably wants to retain control over who gets into their club, and where teams can move.  Having said that, the league has a rather poor track record when it comes to letting various riff-raff into the league as owners.  As arrogant as he may be, Balsillie has got to be a few steps up from those crooks.

7.  And on that note, is this just the first (or maybe second) break in the dike?  If, for some reason, Balsillie is successful, does that mean by the next Monday, after months and months of court battles have finally been put to bed, three or four other teams will be clamouring for their own sugar daddy?  Actually, they already are.

8.  How do the Phoenix Coyotes approach the upcoming 2009-10 season?  What will be their season ticket hook this year?  “Last Chance Hockey”?  How about “You Never Came To See Us Before, Why Not Try Us Now Before We Leave Town”.  Talk about a tough sell.

9.  What happens to Gary Bettman if Balsillie “wins” this battle, or the next one, or the next one?   Or the next one?

10. Most importantly, if the team were to move to Southern Ontario, what would their uniform look like?  I’d buy one, but I’m saving up to buy that nifty looking McFarlane figure of VarLAmov.

- Mick Kern

There are a handful of players in a given sport that people will go out of their way to see play.  These are the true superstars of their respectives games.  In the National Hockey League, the pantheon of current hockey gods is a short list.  It usually starts with Alexander Ovechkin and Sidney Crosby, followed by Evgeni Malkin, and could also include Henrik Zetterberg, Pavel Datsyuk, Jarome Iginla and Ilya Kovalchuk, among others, depending on your preferences.

One of those hockey gods passed through Toronto on Tuesday evening, March 24th.  Ovechkin and his merry men of Capitals took on the Maple Leafs at the Air Canada Centre.  The Capitals are among the elite teams in the league, with serious Stanley Cup aspirations, though there are continuing questions about their goaltending.  The Maple Leafs have been out of the playoff race for a couple of months, though their recent strong play has put them back in sight of eighth place in the East.

Regardless, no-one seriously expects Toronto to make a run for that last spot, though no-one in Hogtown have thrown in the towel as-of-yet.

With all this in mind, one might have expected a Caps-Leafs game this late in the season to end up something like 7-6 Caps, which might not be textbook hockey from a coaches perspective, but it would be something the fans would appreciate.

I made my way to the A.C.C. early tonight, fearful that all the seats up in the pressbox would be occupied.  After all, the Capitals are one of the league’s most exciting teams to watch, and it’s Ovechkin’s first game in Toronto since his mini-feud with Don Cherry over the extent of AO’s goal celebrations.  There should have been a palpable buzz around the arena.

There wasn’t, or at least there wasn’t one I could detect.  Maybe Leafs’ fans are resigned to missing the playoffs once again.  Still, Ovechkin is in town.  That should be enough.

6:30 pm Eastern Daylight Time - made my way through the corridors up to press row.  The Capitals were just outside their dressing room, preparing to take the ice for the pre-game warm-up.  Jose Theodore and Ovechkin were closest to the door.  All of the Caps rocked back-and-forth on their skates, anticipating getting onto the fresh sheet of ice.  They looked like the kids at my local Scarborough arena every Sunday afternoon during public skating hour; they couldn’t wait to get out there.  Anyone who thinks these guys only play for the money are completely off-the-mark.  These guys got this far not only because they have talent, and worked to develop that talent, but because they all share a deep-seeded passion for the game.

I once read that John Lennon used to look forward to getting on-stage during the early years of Beatlemania, as it was one of the few places where he, and his bandmates, felt they were safe, where they were in control, and could be themselves.  Looking at Ovechkin, this thought crossed my mind. Waiting to hit the ice, he looked like he was in his element.  Nothing could touch him here.

6:40 pm - during the warmup, one of the cameras centres in on Ovechkin as he scoops up the puck, shakes-and-bakes his way towards the net, and unloads a rocket.  The camera proceeds to follow him for the majority of the warmup, as this is broadcast onto the giant screen perched atop the scoreboard suspended at centre ice.  Even in the warmup, Ovechkin is the show.

6:45 pm - Ovechkin is the second-last Cap to leave the ice at the conclusion of the warmup; Michael Nylander is the last.

7:06 pm - the teams emerge from their respective dressing rooms and charge onto the ice in preparation for the game.  Ovechkin hits the ice, and the camera centres in on him again.

7:10 pm - puck is dropped to begin the first period.  The crowd is strangely quiet tonight, as though they were attending a night school seminar.  The early play in the game mirrors this.

7:11 pm - Alexander Ovechkin takes SHIFT #1.  There is a fair amount of cheering as Number Eight heads over the boards.  After about a minute of skating around, he heads back to the bench.

7:15 pm - SHIFT #2.  This is a quick shift, 30 seconds at most, as a faceoff is required.

7:17 pm - SHIFT #3.  The Caps employ their chief offensive weapon high in the opposing team’s zone.  He’s like a Russian bomber, flirting with Canadian airspace, but never actually dipping a toe over the line.  Ovechkin curls behind the Leafs’ defensive pair, who have to be mindful of his position, while at the same time, keeping their eyes on the play unfolding in front of them.  For those who criticize Ovechkin for not having the word backcheck in his vocabulary, he’s gone one better.  Any time he’s on the ice, he’s a threat to score.  The other team has no choice but to be constantly cognizant of this factor.  That, in turn, directly affects how they play.  How’s that for backchecking?  Ovechin knows what he’s doing.

On this shift, Ovechkin is hit with a long pass, but he’s offside.  The moribund crowd stirs to life at the possibility of magic, but slumps back into their seats with the whistle.

7:21 pm - the scoreboard shows a brief yet tasteful tribute to former NHL’er and one-time Maple Leaf sniper Walt Poddubbny, who passed away earlier this week.

7:25 pm - SHIFT #4.  On this tour-of-duty, Ovechkin throws his body around, first with a hit on Leafs’ defenceman Luke Schenn, and then with a very slight crosscheck to the chest of Matt Stajan.  One of Ovechkin’s longer shifts, or so it seems.

7:32 pm - SHIFT #5.  Once again, Ovechkin silently patrols the Leafs’ blueline, waiting for a pass to spring him free.  It reminds me of watching a game at the War Memorial Auditorium in Buffalo back in January 1990.  The Sabres were hosting the Pittsburgh Penguins, and Mario Lemieux was in the midst of a lengthy point-scoring streak, before injuries forced him to pull up short of Wayne Gretzky’s record.  Lemieux would be employed in exactly the same manner as Ovechkin, but remember, back then the centre-ice two-line pass was still forbidden.

7:30 pm - Peter Ing, former Maple Leafs’ netminder, is introduced to the crowd as that night’s Alumni member.  He’s in attendence with his young daughter.  A hearty round of applause for the mostly forgotten Ing, who looked like the Next Big Thing for the Leafs when he debuted in the 1989-90 season.  It wasn’t to be, and Ing only played 74 games in the NHL, also suiting up for the Oilers and Red Wings.

7:39 pm - SHIFT #6.  The Caps keep trying to hit Ovechkin with the long bomb, but to no avail.  You can sense even the pro-Leafs crowd would perfer to see one of these passes connect, if only to inject some life into this stale game.  During this shift, Ovechkin has to take a faceoff, the only one all night he’ll take, and he loses it.  Okay, so he’s not Bobby Clarke or Stan Mikita.  Also during this shift, Washington manages to sustain some pressure deep in the Leafs’ zone.  One gets the feeling the Capitals have the ability to ratchet up their game when they wish.  Tonight, we are wishing.

7:44 pm - first period over.  No score.  10-6 shot advantage for Washington.  No penalties called.  No real flow to this game yet.  Ovechkin had six shifts, and was on the ice for 7 minutes and 1 second, third-most ice-time for the Caps, but the longest average shift time.  Luke Schenn of the Maple Leafs was on the ice for 8 minutes and 18 seconds.

8:02 pm - second period begins.

8:03 pm - SHIFT #7.  Ovechkin get physical with Leafs’ centre John Mitchell during this shift.  Also notice TSN’s Pierre McGuire wildly gesticulating between the benches.  He’s planted there during the TV broadcast to offer a different perspective on the proceedings.  He sticks out like a sore thumb.  One cannot be the shy type to have that job.

8:06 pm - SHIFT #8.  During this shift, the first penalty of the game is called.  Milan Jurcina goes off for two minutes for tripping.  Ovechkin does not play on the PK.  The crowd perks up with their Leafs on the powerplay, and the home team applies some pressure in the Capitals zone, but fails to capitalize.

This game needs a goal.

8:11 pm - SHIFT #9.  Ovechkin can’t beat the defenceman one-on-one.  It only takes once.

8:17 pm - TORONTO SCORES.  The shot from the point snakes its way through the crowd and eludes Jose Theodore in the Washington net.  1-0 Toronto.  The A.C.C. erupts, proving that everyone hadn’t nodded off.  It’s the first NHL goal for Maple Leafs’ defenceman Phil Oreskovic.

8:18 pm - SHIFT #10.  Nothing to note.

8:21 pm - Washington picks up another penalty.  Shaone Morrisonn is nabbed for hooking.  Jose Theodore makes about five very nice saves in-a-row during this penalty kill.

8:23 pm - SHIFT #11.  Ovechkin makes a nice deke behind the Toronto net, but ends up losing the puck.  It appears to be only a matter-of-time before he finds the back-of-the-net.

Attendance tonight is announced as 19,362.  That’s 19,362 people who’ll have a problem falling asleep later tonight, as they’re catching a few winks at the arena, and will be well rested when they get home.

8:30 pm - SHIFT #12.  Ovechkin shoots the puck into the Leafs zone, just off-side.  After a faceoff, he’s part of the cycle the Capitals utilize in front of Martin Gerber.  No quality scoring chance is created as a result, but once again, the Caps hint that they could take this to another gear, if they so choose to.

With exactly a minute left to play in the second period, the Maple Leafs pick up their first penalty of the game; Jamal Mayers gets two for interference.

SHIFT #13.  Apparently I’m so excited at the prospect of watching the Capitals on the powerplay, I neglect to write down the time on my Coleman wristwatch.  Suffice to say, Ovechkin comes over the boards and takes his place on the point for the beginning of the PP.

One thing leads to another, and AO finds himself cutting towards the net, to the left of Gerber, who he dekes with a nifty little move that pulls the Leafs’ goaltender out just enough so that Ovechkin can go to the backhand and deposit the puck in the net.

1-1 tie. Ovechkin’s powerplay marker is his 51st goal of the season.

The question-of-the-day, though, in this hockey mad city, is in which manner will he celebrate said goal?

The answer is…in a subdued manner.  A brief kiss of his finger, and then a raised hand.  Then again, what did anyone expect?  Ovechkin tearing off his uniform, to reveal a Coaches Corner t-shirt underneath?

When the goal is announced by the booming voice of Andy Frost, there is a fair amount of applause from the crowd.  There weren’t that many people pulling for Washington this evening.  The hockey fans in Toronto know the game as well as anyone else on the planet.  They may be rather staid during most of the game, but they know a good goal when they see one.

The second period ends with the score knotted up at 1 goal apiece.  Ovechkin finally had the opportunity to come alive in this frame, registering a number of shots, and, of course, the powerplay goal.  He’s averaging a minute and 3 seconds per shift.

8:55 pm - third period is underway.

8:57 pm - SHIFT #14.  Ovechkin just missed connecting on a one-timer to the right of Martin Gerber.

It’s around this point that Washington head coach Bruce Boudreau calls a thirty-second time-out.  Not sure why, but I am curious how his team will respond afterwards.

9:03 pm - SHIFT #15.  Ovechkin lands his third hit of the game on Matt Stajan.  Why’s he ragin’ at The Stajan?  Actually, all the hits have been minor, just part of the flow of the game.  Ovechkin is known for enjoying that aspect of hockey as well as collecting the goals, a big reason why fans have taken to him.

9:06 pm - SHIFT #16.  Ovechkin takes one of his shorter shifts of the game, as the puck goes over the boards, and he changes up before the resulting faceoff.

9:07 pm - The “Go Leafs Go” chant starts up for the first time this evening in the A.C.C.

9:14 pm - SHIFT #17.  Wow, it’s been almost 8 minutes since Ovechkin was on the ice.  Can’t remember now, but there had to have been a TV timeout factored in there somewhere.  On this shift, he moves into the slot area with his stick coiled, but Gerber freezes the puck before it can get to Number 8.

It appears to these eyes as Ovechkin’s (and most everyone, with the notable expection of Mike Green) shifts are getting shorter as the third period progresses.

As for Washington defenceman Mike Green, I’ve heard and read the hype for the entire season, so it was also a delight to finally see Number 52 in action.  He’s everywhere, and he’s fast.  Green is a rover, and against a team like the Maple Leafs, he’s able to rocket safely back into position after one of his many forays’s deep into enemy territory.  No doubt other games he occasionally gets caught out of position, but the rewards far outweigh the risks.  Thank goodness he plays for a team, and a coach, that permits him to fully utilize his formidable skill set.  Green is a delight to watch.

9:17 pm - SHIFT #18.  Ovechkin chops at (on?) defenceman Jeff Finger in the Leafs’ zone.  Nothing to see here, move along.

9:21 pm - SHIFT #19.  Ovechkin takes a feed and gets off a nice shot that’s either just wide of the top left post behind Gerber, or hits a piece of the goaltender, and goes wide.  It happens so fast, I don’t know, and I don’t have the benefit to replay where I’m sitting.  Ovechkin has a lightning-fast shot.  During the same shift, he falls down deep in the Toronto zone, but still manages to pass the puck towards the slot.

WIth less than three minutes left, the Capitals come as close as a team can to scoring without actually lighting the lamp.  Somehow, Gerber keeps the puck out of his net.

And, as we all know, for TV hockey commentators will remind us each and every time, when that happens…

…the other team comes back and scores. 

Well, first, John Erskine gets nabbed for hooking with 2:26 left in the third.

Toronto goes on the powerplay, and wIth 2:36 left to play, Pavel Kubina’s slapshot from the point finds its way into the back of the net.  The puck goes through the legs of Theodore, who had some traffic in front of him.  Typical NHL goal.  2-1 Maple Leafs.  The crowd finally appears to be fully awake.

We all had no idea what was in store for us mere moments away.

9:25 pm - SHIFT #20.  OVechkin sets up behind the Leafs’ goal, not in a Gretzky Office sort of way, but just because that’s where the puck is for the longest time.

With just over a minute left to play, Boudreau elects to pull Theodore.  It leads to almost immediate dividends, as the Caps push the equalizer past Gerber.  2-2 tie with 57 seconds left on the clock. Brooks Laich, who I understand is the extra attacker, gets the goal.  Ovechkin picks up an assist.

A hotly debated goal, at least by Leafs’ netminder Martin Gerber, who in his Curtis Joseph-like zeal to get to the offending referee and make his objections known, gets a little too physically friendly with ref Mike Leggo, and then proceeds to shoot the puck in the direction of the officials, though I have to admit, I didn’t see that infraction occur.

Doesn’t matter.  The officials did, and after assuring all that the goal stands, they hand Gerber a ten-minute misconduct, and he is asked to retire to the splendour of the dressing room for the remainer of the game.

Which means a cold Curtis Joseph, with a big grin on his face, is pressed into action.  After sitting at the end of the Maple Leafs’ bench for the past 59 minutes and three seconds of the game.  Scarfing down hotdogs.

Okay, maybe not, but Cujo couldn’t be any colder than when Toronto head coach Ron Wilson elected to use him in the shootout earlier this season instead of Vesa Toskala, and that turned out very badly for the Leafs.  No doubt the Capitals were licking their chops.

When the Washington goal is announced, the A.C.C. crowd boos very loudly.  They are finally into this game, though to be fair, there wasn’t much of a game to be into for most of the night.

SHIFT #21.  Curtis Joseph stones Ovechkin on a one-timer with 10 seconds left on the clock. The place erupts.  Ovechkin makes a face like he thought he should have had that one.   Probably everyone else in the joint thought he was going to connect, as well.  We head to overtime.

9:31 pm - SHIFT #22.  Ovechkin wasn’t on the ice to start the first, second or third period, but he’s out there to start the extra frame.  4-on-4.  Plenty of room for the Capitals’ predators.  He makes a nice rush up the ice, and sets up Mike Green in the slot, but Joseph is square to the puck, and stops it.

9:34 pm - SHIFT #23.  Ovechkin gets in a few rather light slashes at Alexei Ponikarovsky.  Nothing out of the ordinary.

9:36 pm - SHIFT #24.  First off, the official NHL game sheet has Ovechkin having only 23 shifts, so somehow I’ve got him taking an extra shift.  The NHL stats guys know what they’re doing, but since this is how I tracked the game, I’m going with this phantom Shift 24, just to I don’t have to go back and figure out how I screwed up the math.

Regardless, Ovechkin helps draw a Pavel Kubina hooking penalty with 52. 3 seconds left in overtime.  During the 4-on-3, Ovechkin can’t keep the puck in the zone, but the Caps regroup quickly and regain the zone.  Once again, Joseph stones Ovechkin in the slot, and the A.C.C. crowd parties like it’s 1999.  We head to the shootout.

I’ve only seen one previous NHL shootout live, and it was that game where coach Wilson had Joseph come out of the bullpen for Toskala.  Doubt there will be the same result tonight, as Cujo has been at the top of his game in his less than six minutes of service.

Toronto elects to shoot first, which I think is almost always the best move for the home team.  Noted sniper Jeff Hamilton starts things, and damn if he doesn’t bury it.

That would be the only goal of the skills competition, as Theodore shuts the door on Blake and Mitchell.

As for Joseph, he stops Backstrom and Semin shoots wide, which sets up Alexander Ovechkin against Curtis Joseph.  Either Ovechin ties the game, or Joseph is elected mayor of Toronto.

The crowd is completely into the affair by now, whipped into a frenzy by their distate for the tying goal, and by the huge saves by Joseph.  The boos cascade around the building as Ovechkin sets himself at centre ice.  It’s a delicious piece of theatre, the game distilled down into this solitary encounter.  It’s the shootout as its best.

Ovechkin gets the signal, and moves in on Joseph.  Cujo goes down a bit early, and maybe guesses on the shot, but Ovechkin can’t find the handle, and as he moves to his right with the puck, rapidly running out of room, the crowd roars as it anticipates that this game is over.

Which it is.  3-2 Toronto.  58 minutes of mostly subpar hockey, with a few exceptions.  It’s the last two minutes, and all the extra activities, that have people talking.

The three stars reflect the peculiar nature of this game.  Oreskovic gets the third star, a homer call, thanks to his first NHL goal.

Mike Green gets the second star, and for good reason.  He was everywhere, registering 10 shots and was on the ice for 30 shifts, totalling 29 minutes and 7 seconds.  This man earns his pay.

Curtis Joseph is awarded the gold star, and even though he was only out there for the last chapter of the game, he earned it.  Former NHL goaltender and current broadcaster Greg Millen was sitting about three seats to my left, and I heard him loudly proclaim as he left the press box, that he’d never seen anything like it in all his years in hockey, a goaltender getting the first star for what was basically a one-inning relief appearance.

As for Alexander Ovechkin, the superstar ended the evening with a goal and an assist.  The goal was a powerplay marker, and the assist picked him up a plus one rating for the night.  He was on the ice for 23 shifts, for an average of a minute and one second per shift.  Ovechkin totalled 23:27 in ice time overall, and took 7 shots.

He was pretty much everything he’s advertised to be.  All eyes were on him whenever he took to the ice.  The game overall, save the last six minutes, was a dud, but one always had the feeling that at any time, given just an inch, Ovechkin would explode and fill the net with pucks.

23 shifts.

A player worth paying to watch.

- Mick Kern

Like most years, I taped the NHL All-Star Competition, and watched it later, when domestic duties allowed.

Like most years, I fastforwarded through most of the dreck that is the on-ice interviews.  Really, what’s the point of most of these over earnest feel-good gabs?  Sure, the guys are having fun.  Great.  I can determine that by watching them on-the-ice.  Nothing like clubbing the viewer over the head.

Props to Elliot Friedman of CBC; when he asks questions, he doesn’t pull against the overall tone of the evening (ie: We’re Having Fun), but he manages to ask one question that is pertinent to the season, and he poses it in such a way that it’s not an intrusion to the overtone tone of the evening (We’re Having Fun).

Maybe the best example of that is how he approached his quick hit with Vincent Lecavalier.  To not ask Lecavalier about the rumours of him going to the Canadiens, while the All-Star Game is in Montreal, would have done a disservice to the hockey fan watching at home.  Even better, Friedman asked him a straight-up question.  He didn’t put Lecavalier in the corner, but neither did he lob him a softball, like most of the “NHL-friendly” TV talking heads would have.

And, in case you missed it, Lecavalier received the loudest, and longest, ovation during the introduction to the Skills Competition.

The one image that will perpetuate itself on the internet, and YouTube, and in the hearts of the biggest NHL PR hacks on all the television networks, will be the one of Alexander Ovechkin being outfitted by Evgeni Malkin with a Tilley hat, and Canadian flag, and grabbing two sticks for one of his turns at the trick shot competition.

Yes, I laughed.  Not one of those “oh my God, what will these crazy hockey guys think of next” laughs.  More of a lighthearted chuckle.  Which is what the Ovechkin-Malkin hijinks was, a lighhearted moment.  Good footage for the highlight shows later.  Maybe Sports Illustrated will pick it up.

But that’s all it was, a small (manufactured) novelty within the heart of a greater novelty.  The aforementioned TV hacks will parade it out like it was the greatest thing since…since…well, since heated blades, but NHL apologists tend to do that with most insignificant trivia.

As a hockey fan, I didn’t completely buy the whole Malkin and Ovechkin make peace spin.  Or at least I don’t want to.  That supposed feud is (was?) one of the more delicious story lines of the current season.  Imagine if the Capitals and Penguins meet in the playoffs?  Imagine if the Penguins pull up their socks.

One of the PR hack myths I can’t stand is the constant hammering by some commentators (including here at NHL Home Ice) that ALL the players are great guys, and ALL the players are just wonderful to be around, and ALL the players are just like kids when they get out on the ice, and ALL the players consider it an honour to be at the All-Star Game, etc…

The staged Malkin-Ovechkin hat trick will only be more fuel for that artificial fire.  Anyone, such as myself, that dares to approach The Event from a different angle will be summarily dismissed.

So, let me repeat this for the record.  The Malkin-Ovechkin hijinks was cute.  A nice moment in an otherwise uneventful event.

Yup, the rest of the skills competition took a lot of skill…to keep watching it.  Don’t get me wrong; back when this was first introduced (1990???), I was a big proponent of the idea.

What a great way to showcase the individual skill of NHL players.  And all in a pre-packaged soundbite/highlight clip manner.

The trouble is, like anything, what was new slowly becomes familiar.  They try to jazz it up every so often, so effort points have to be given out for trying to revive the contest, but when the highlight of the evening was Ovechkin wearing a Tilley hat on a breakaway, well, honestly examine it yourself.

Honestly look at it.  Don’t look at the All-Star Game Competition, and for that matter, the entire All-Star weekend and see it as you wish it to be.  See it how it really is.

No, I am not one of the fans or media in Montreal this weekend.  There’s little doubt being at the epicentre of All-Star events would change my perception of them somewhat. 

But here’s the thing, most of the fans, and sports media, and non-hockey sports fans, also aren’t in Montreal this weekend.  What is presented on the old television screen is the reality that will be remembered.

The YoungStars game was boring, but really, what could one expect?  The actual All-Star game is such a waste of time (which is why I won’t be taping it); removing a couple of players on each side and having a smaller game of shinny is not the recipe for success.

The entire All-Star weekend works best as a hockey convention.  Have the fan zones, have the meeting of the so-called minds, get all the players together in their team uniforms and have a fancy practise.  Why spoil everything with a game?

Unless.

Unless the NHL were to, say, marry up the Outdoor Game with all the fanfest all-star stuff. 

No, I’m not advocating playing the All-Star Game outside.  I’m for putting that lame dog down.  Instead, hold the All-Star festivities around the Outdoor Game.  Keep some semblance of fan voting for the various skills competition, keep the fan fest stuff, have the meeting of the minds…and then, on the Sunday, actually play a real NHL game outdoors.

For example, this weekend, it would have been the Montreal Canadiens against, say, the Boston Bruins.  For two points.  Or maybe three.

Hey, Montreal fans already sent half the team to the event anyhow, so we’re almost set.

By merging the two events, the league could possibly generate more attention for itself, outside of the usual hockey media.  The Outdoor Game, at least right now, is on the radar of the U.S. sports media.  The All-Star game isn’t.  But putting the two together, what’s there to lose?

And Ovechkin could still wear his Silly Tilley hat.

- Mick “Fedora” Kern

It must be January, ’cause there’s a ton of hockey to argue about.

First off, for a hockey fan, the World Juniors are almost always a treat to watch.  The Americans and Canadians delivered a game-for-the-ages on New Year’s Eve.  Many were anticipating a rematch in the Championship Game. 

Not gonna happen, thanks to Slovakia and their red-hot goaltender.  But that’s hockey, particularly in a one-game elimination situation.  Here in North America, we have generally been schooled to approach a playoff series as a best-of-seven cage match.   The refreshing beauty of the World Juniors is that on any given day, any dog can rise up and bite the postman.

Why then, are most of the hockey intelligentsia on television calling for the U.S. Hockey program to take a long look at itself and right its ship?  Did I miss something (very possible)?  Is this one loss a telling snapshot of the greater picture?  Or is everyone over-reacting to a hockey loss, which I was sure was a knee-jerk reaction patented by Canadians?

Secondly, the very thought of actually giving a hoot about an All-Star Game runs counter to every logical thought in my head.  Still, that’s what couch musings are about, so allow me to briefly wade into this Montreal-made morass.

The starting lineups for the NHL All-Star Game, as decided by “The Fans”, were officially released on Saturday afternoon.  As expected, as feared, members of the Montreal Canadiens dominated the Eastern All-Stars.  The party-minded Habs swiped four of the six spots, with arguably only one of those players (Andrei Markov) deserving of that honour.  Lord knows Alexei Kovalev has played so poorly, he shouldn’t even be allowed to watch the game on TV.

Evgeni Malkin and Sidney Crosby managed to crack the All-Habs All-Star Team, so someone somewhere successfully stuffed the ballot box to counter the previous ballot box stuffing that went on throughout Canada, particularly in the province of Quebec.  Rumour has it that two Habs were also voted on to the starting lineup for the Western Conference, but the league quickly covered it up.

Really though, WHO CARES?  It’s the frickin’ All-Star Game.  A lackadaisical, snooze-fest of subpar shinny that best serves as a placebo for sleeping pills.  If you really want to work yourself into a lather because more deserving stars didn’t place on the starting line-up (you know, the five guys who line up for the opening faceoff and all the flashbulbs, and then usually beat a hasty retreat to the bench), then that’s the beauty, and idiocy, of democracy.  Go ahead.  But remember…in space, no-one can hear you scream.

Third point, why does anyone bother to ever make predictions?  They rarely turn out to be true, and even then, most prognosticators beat the drum about the one prediction they correctly stumbled upon, not the other nineteen they missed.  Something about a blind squirrel comes to mind.

Reminds me of a snowy Tuesday night in Ottawa back during the 83-84 OHL season.  A friend and I sat behind the net at the 67’s game, and spend most of the night trying to outpredict each other.  Who would score next, how a two-on-one would turn out, etc.

Most of the times, we were wrong, but we had a good time smiling through our own B.S.  I can still see Don McLaren on a clear-cut breakaway late in the game, Ottawa comfortably up on the opposition.  My buddy yells out that McLaren would not score, so, by default, I vigorously maintained that The Don would indeed bulge the twine…which he did.

Did that suddenly make me a genius?  Of course not, but that’s part of the game of publicly predicting sports.  One can go with the tried-and-true (the Red Wings will win the Cup), or one can go against the grain and pick an underdog (Nashville will upset the Wings in the first round).  The beauty of being the contrarian is that you are basically hedging your bets; if your pick actually wins, you puff up your chest and arrogantly proclaim that any fool could have seen the patterns.  If your teams doesn’t win - which it most likely won’t - then your exit strategy goes something like this… hey, no-one REALLY expected them to win, but I liked the matchups, blah, blah, blah.  A noble failure. 

And, for the record, I did pick the Predators to upset the Red Wings in the first round last season, mainly because I had no faith in Dominik Hasek.  And I wasn’t alone, certainly not after the Preds roared back to tie the series at two games apiece, and Detroit inserted Chris Osgood between-the-pipes.  Game Five went to overtime, with Detroit winning, so I wasn’t that far off, even when the Wings won in six.  A noble failure.  But I had had enough of that ride; I backed the Wings for the rest of the playoffs, and, of course, they won the Cup.  And I won the unofficial NHL Home Ice playoff pool here at XM.

Am I a genius?  You know the answer to that question.

Which brings me to poor old Shane Malloy, who declared here on NHL Home Ice, on Friday, January 2nd, to Boomer and Rob Higgins, that there was no way that the Slovakians could beat the Americans in their showdown at the World Juniors that afternoon.  No way.  No chance.  100% chance of rain.  Bet the rent.  No net needed.

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong and wrong.  The Slovaks upset the U.S. 5-3, mainly because of the stellar play of goaltender Jaroslav Janus, but as Terry Mercury pointed out later that evening, hey, that’s hockey.  It  happens, particularly in a one-game winner-moves-on scenario.  Mercury makes the point that if the famous 1980 Winter Olympics U.S. upset of the Russians was only game one of a three game set, most likely the Soviets take the next two.

We’ll never know, nor does that in any way dimish that era-defining win by the young Americans.  They won that game, and advanced and captured the Gold Medal.  One of the greatest moments in all of sports.

This time, the young Yanks lost.  Probably didn’t even make page 54 of USA Today, but imagine the headlines in Slovakia.

Fourth and final point, and with all due sensitivity, not much bothers me more than the insipid lip-service that we the media pay to those who die.  For some reason, whenever an athlete passes away, TV producers feel the need to finish the story with a picture of the person, accompanied by lilting, piano tinkling.

Why?  I understand the photo, and the graphic that shows the years that the person lived.  It would be more effective, and more respectful, if there was NO music of any sort underneath that graphic.  Sure, probably once upon a time, that cheesy mall organ music was a nice touch, but like most things in sports, the sheep that work in the industry have copied it to the point of it having become a bloodless cliche.  A cliche they feel they must follow, which reduces the person’s death to a momentary footnote in the highlight package that night.  Which, if we’re being brutally honest, is exactly what it is.

During the winter of 1998-99, I worked part-time as a sound technician at one of the Toronto-based national television sports networks.  My job was to handle all the audio elements for the top-of-the-hour sports updates.  On one particular evening, an ex-athlete passed away, and the staff scrambled to find a suitable image of the gentlemen to end the first segment with.

The producer that night, a well-known hothead to begin with, was in a particuarly ornery mood.  As we came up to the piece, Mr. Producer spoke into his mic that connected to my isolated sound booth, and barked at me to be ready with the obituary music.

It was that same damned tinkly piano music, which always makes me feel like I’m watching The Masters.  But orders are orders, and on my cue, I played the music, but very, very low.  You’d have had to have been a dog in order to have heard it.

This understandably did not go over well with Mr. Hothead.  He sharply instructed me to pump up the volume when the obituary piece came around again next update.  And I did, raise the volume.  How much is open for interpretation.  Suffice-to-say, Hothead didn’t appreciate it.

In hindsight, it was rather juvenile of me to act this way.  It wasn’t my decision to make, but then again, as small an issue as this was, I had long complained about the canned, scripted false-sensitivity of such cloying music, and when faced with my chance to do something about it, I did.  The world didn’t change, and sports television still embraces the same cliche, but I guess I was hoping that someone somewhere was thinking the same thing I was.

The passing this week of Don Sanderson, the young member of the Whitby Dunlaps, brought this odious practise up again.  It may seem that I’m off-kilter for stressing the music bed of an athlete’s obituary, but I believe it speaks to a larger disconnect in sports, in how we cover death.

Sanderson’s tragic death, the direct result of a hockey fight, quickly becomes a footnote in the evening sports parade.  The very same simpleton’s who will cry a river of crocodile tears for this young man and his family, will temper such comments by advising us not to jump to conclusions about fighting-in-hockey, and that accidents happen.

Yup, they sure do; sometimes with fatal consequences.  When that happens in real life, any responsible society will go out-of-its-way to investigate the root causes, and will do their best to mitigate these factors to prevent tragedies in future incidents.  Life can never be 100% safety-proofed, but the odds of disaster can be cut down significantly.

The very same TV broadcasts that will follow the tired-old sports TV playbook on how to handle an athelete’s death (dust off the obituary music) will turn around the next day and play the latest knuckle-dragging hit song by Nickleback under a montage of hockey fights from earlier that week.

Most people don’t want fighting in hockey to go away, they enjoy it.  Oh, nobody except the sickest individual wants to see anybody die or be seriously injured from fighting, but somewhere, mostly unspoken, there is the steadfast belief that fighting is an integral part of hockey, and since the number of fatalities are very low, they are viewed effectively as collatoral damage, a price that is paid.

Maybe statistically speaking, that is true, as brutal as it is.  I personally don’t subscribe to that line-of-reasoning, but if you do, then spare me your emotional theatrics when you metaphorically play the tinkling piano music under your own mumbled comments about thoughts and prayers for the players’ family.

It is B.S.  As is the saying, “our thoughts are with the family”.

Are they?  Are they really, or is that just another term in the sports media playbook, the same way that the tinkling piano music is?  Devoid of any true emotion, it is a robotic reaction to what we all expect has to be said.  Unless you know the family, or have experienced a similar situation in your life, the vast majority of people give such tragedies nary a thought.

It’s all public posturing, much the same way wearing a poppy on Rememberance Day often is.  And, as such, it is an insult to the very real tragedy that has just occurred.

Next time, have the guts to say what you REALLY think when someone dies from fighting; that it’s unfortunate, but in the greater picture, the death is an anomaly.  The fighting must continue.  The fallen player probably would have said the same thing.  Get over it. 

Let’s see some old-school hockey guy say that.

The majority of us would gasp at such insensitivity, and tsk-tsk at such un-Canadian thoughts..and then turn and sing the praises of some Good Ole’ Canadian boy after he gets into a scrap Saturday night.

It’s all such crap. And, sadly,  it’ll probably happen again.

- Mick Kern