James Mirtle of The Globe and Mail joined the guys on The War Room this past Tuesday to talk about the ongoing NHL playoffs, in particular the role that puck luck plays in any one team advancing. They also discuss what happened to the Boston Bruins, and do other NHL teams really try to copy what the Stanley Cup champions did. The War Room is heard on NHL Home Ice XM 204/Sirius 208 every weekday at 11 am eastern. Mick and Peter were joined this week by Darren Pfeiffer.

Eric and Mick fire up the tape recorder again and get down to the business of talking hockey.  THE ONE PERCENTILE Podcast #17 is here for your enjoyment.  In this edition, Eric and Mick tackle the New York Islanders,  a bunch of dirty hits, surprise seasons for certain players, Craig Anderson in Colorado, the upcoming 2010 Winter Olympics, and the World Series between the Philadelphia Phillies and the New York Yankees.  Eric also talks about his one-day press junket trip to Los Angeles to hang out with swimming pools and movie stars.

Lucky you.

After a 3 month hiatus as Eric toured the great state of Alaska the one percentile podcast has returned. Eric and Mick look back at the first few weeks of the NHL season

Instead of coming up with a semi-accurate, half-hearted definition of what constitutes a superstar, let’s consult a dictionary.  Since it’s 2009, let’s thumb through an on-line edition.

Superstar, according to Merriam-Webster Online:

• Function: noun
• Date: 1924

1 : a star (as in sports or the movies) who is considered extremely talented, has great public appeal, and can usually command a high salary
2 : one that is very prominent or is a prime attraction <a diplomatic superstar>

When the Dany Heatley trade to San Jose was finally completed over the weekend, a number of sports news services identified Heatley as being a superstar.

A superstar?  Really?  Sure, only two other NHL players have scored more goals since the lockout than Heatley, but does he meet all the qualifications required in order to wear the superstar crown?

From my vantage point, a superstar in any milieu transcends their surroundings.  In other words, even your dear Aunt Gertie that doesn’t like sports knows who, say, Alexander Ovechkin is, and probably has an opinion about him.  Don’t get her going on the hot stick celebration.

Following that line of thinking, I propose that there are currently only two NHL players that are bigger than the sport.

Alexander Ovechkin and Sidney Crosby.  The ying and the yang.  The Beatles and the Stones.  Mario Lemieux and Wayne Gretzky.

Evgeni Malkin should be considered, if only because his on-ice talents are so immense, and only getting stronger, but I haven’t seen any tangible evidence that supports his inclusion into the select club of superstars.  If on-ice talent were the only yardstick being applied, then Pavel Datsyuk or Ilya Kovalchuk, and maybe Dany Heatley, would have to be included.

Where these gentlemen fall short for serious consideration of being called a superstar is this section of the definition:

has great public appeal

Keep-in-mind every individual franchise has a player or two that is held very close to the bosom of the local fanbase, and as such, their respective values are usually inflated.  For instance, Rick Nash of the Columbus Blue Jackets can be one of the most exciting players in the league today.  His YouTube-ready goals, where he dekes through half the team, and some of the guys up in the press box, are a beauty to behold, and understandably, the faithful in Ohio would clamour that Nash is a superstar.

The argument is all context.  Within the world of the Blue Jackets, Nash is the face of the franchise, thus he is a superstar.  Within the expanded world of the National Hockey League, Nash is one of the young stars that make the game so exciting to watch.  You could make a credible argument that Nash is an NHL superstar.

You would have to work awfully hard to convince me that Nash, or Heatley or Datsyuk or Roberto Luongo, are true superstars.  They do not transcend the game of hockey.  Within the hockey world, they are larger-than-life.  Outside of those cozy borders, they would be lost, unrecognizable to the average person walking down the street of any American city.  For that matter, the majority of non-hockey fans in Canada wouldn’t recognize them either.

Put Ovechkin or Crosby in downtown Manhattan (without the Zamboni in Ovechkin’s case), or on Manhattan Beach in Southern California, or in surburban St. Louis or at the Steak ‘n Shake in Battle Creek, Michigan, and most likely both of these dudes would be recognized.

For a variety of reasons, Ovechkin and Crosby are currently bigger than the game of hockey.

That doesn’t mean they’re better or smarter.  That doesn’t mean we should all bow down and praise them (though maybe we should for all the attention they bring to the game).  That doesn’t mean that their opinons are sacrosanct.  So before the mouthbreathing bloggers of the cyberworld get their shorts all in a knot, keep this sobering thought in mind.  Most likely your favourite player is a nobody outside of the world of hockey.  That’s not the case with Ovechkin and Crosby.

Why these two?  Well, we’ve already listed awesome on-ice talent as one major factor, but they have to have more than that.  Both young men have been marketed very successfully, in particular Crosby, who became the face of the NHL as it emerged from the 2004-05 lockout.

Ovechkin basically elbowed his way onto the marquee, and his fun-loving flair that he paints everything he touches with cannot be denied.

The camera likes both of these guys, for different reasons.  The media likes both of these guys, for different reasons.  Hockey fans are drawn to these two guys, for different reasons.  Love them or hate them, you’re talking about them.

Thus it comes as no real surprise that the sports media sought out Crosby and Ovechkin to get their opinions on the recent firing of NHLPA head Paul Kelly.  Some hockey fans ridiculed the need to ask these two particular players their personal opinions.  Where did they get off thinking they were bigger and better than the game?

Well, they don’t think that.  Neither player put out a press release saying “come and talk to me about Paul Kelly”.  It was only natural for the media to beat a path to their doors, because when these two young men speak, people listen.

Much like when a young Wayne Gretzky, after another blowout win over the woeful New Jersey Devils, called the Devils a Mickey Mouse organization.  No truth to the rumour that’s what got Michael Eisner interested in hockey.

Much like when a younger Mario Lemieux, tired of carrying a couple of clutching-and-grabbing defencemen on his back almost every time he broke into the offensive zone, openly questioned the NHL about their lack of enforcement of their own rule book.

The hockey, and sports world, listened.  And yes, some people complained then that Gretzky and Lemieux should just shut up and play the game.  What makes these whippersnappers think they’re bigger than the game?

(There are reactionaries everywhere).

Both players were right. Bang on.  And both were right to speak out.

So when Ovechkin tells espn.com that even if the NHL decides not to participate in the 2014 Winter Olympics, he still plans to go…well folks, that’s news.  Washington Capitals’ owner Ted Leonsis, one of the more progressive owners in the league, did his best to downplay the comments, but the desired effect was already achieved.  It got people, and no doubt the players, thinking about the issue.

Once again, Ovechkin elbowed his way in.

With all due respect, Dany Heatley does not have that same ability.  Nor has he asked for it; if anything, he seems rather happy not to be in the spotlight.  Ovechkin craves it, while Crosby understands he’s been thrust into it since an early age.  Both men handle the spotlight differently, and they handle it well.

Alexander Ovechkin and Sidney Crosby are the only two true superstars in the league today.  Now what remains to be seen is if they can transcend North American popular culture.  Arguably, only two NHL players have ever reached those lofty heights.

Bobby Orr and Wayne Gretzky.

Particularly Wayne Gretzky.  The Great One is still the face of hockey for most of the world.

We tend to throw around words carelessly.  The word great has been mostly stripped of its power.  Anyone that is in the public eye is a star.  In the sports media, we have also devalued the word superstar.  I am trying to reclaim it for those few worthy enough to wear the crown.

Ovechkin and Crosby.

If you don’t like it, deal with it.  You might want to start by shunning all popular media in North America.  No doubt you’ll be seeing the faces of these two men plastered all over television, and magazines, and posters, and websites for the better part of the next decade.

- Mick Kern

Please identify yourself.

It appears that is what some cameraperson in Phoenix yelled out when Canadian billionaire/wannabe NHL owner Jim Balsillie emerged from the courthouse yesterday.

If that doesn’t speak volumes about the relative lack of interest in NHL hockey in the Phoenix area, then you are either as dumb as a Flyers’ fan, or you’ve long ago taken more than one taste of the NHL Kool-Aid, or Flavor Aid, to be historically accurate.

By now, jeez, by sometime in mid-2007, practically anyone who was a hockey fan on either side of the U.S.-Canadian border could pick out Jim Balsillie looking at a satellite photo of Kitchener-Waterloo quicker than finding Waldo in a one-man phone booth.

That also applies to every member of the Canadian sports media, and many of the “regular” media corps.  No doubt it also applies to every member of the American sports media who deal with hockey.  There is no need to ask the players in this ongoing drama to identify themselves; their mugs are imprinted on our memory banks.

Regardless of what “side” of this ongoing feud you lean towards, by now we’re all pretty sick and tired of constantly seeing Jim’s bald head as part of pretty much every sportscast.  He gets about as much airtime as Brett Favre does.

So, if Diamond Jim had been in a joking mood, what would he have replied to that query?

Hi, I’m Jim Balsillie, the soon-to-be-owner of the Hamilton Coyotes?

Hi, I’m Jim Balsillie, aka Captain Canada?

Hi, I’m Jim Balsillie, the biggest scoundrel the NHL has ever seen?

Hi, I’m Jim Balsillie, aka The Boogeyman.  I’ve come to take your team away.  What do you mean, what team?

Hey, I’m Jumbo Jimbo, the Man Who Can Buy Anything.  (stay thirsty my friends)

Good Folks of the NHL Home Ice Forest, however this ugly, tired affair turns out, do you really think they’ll be playing NHL hockey in the greater Phoenix area in the next, say, three years?

This has never been about the fans in Phoenix.  Sorry guys and gals, but you are collateral damage.  This has always been about who is in control.

And, as usual, money.  Potentially lots of it.

No need for anyone outside the courthouse to identify themselves.  We know who you all are.  Guilty, every last one of you.

- Mick Kern

Okay, okay, as I type this, it’s still August 31st in the Eastern Time Zone, but most of the planet has already entered the Month of School…first off, what the hell????  Why now would the NHLPA want to go all goofy and look as disorganized as, well, as the NHL?  No doubt most of us were left scratching our heads over this move to dump Paul Kelly, but the truth is, a very select few know what’s been going on behind-the-scenes of the NHLPA, and none of those select few are members of the media or the average hockey fan, or any fan, for that matter.  Maybe the whole truth and nothing but the truth comes out in the next few months, maybe it comes out in a great book five Christmases from now.  Either way, from my brief dealings with Mr. Kelly (as part of a couple of media scrums), he sure seemed like exactly what the NHLPA needed, at least in terms of public perception….Brian Burke is correct yet again.  He once compared the Toronto Maple Leafs to the Vatican, in terms of its importance in the hockey world.  How bang on he was.  Like the Vatican, the Leafs wield an enormous amount of power, mostly over the great unwashed, you know, the opiate of the masses and all the stuff.  Now that it’s been shown, despite pious denials to the contrary, that the moneybags known as Maple Leafs Sports and Entertainment have absolutely no intention of sharing the Southern Ontario sandbox with anyone else, they’ve proven they really are the Vatican of the NHL (or any other religious powerbase, if you’re so inclined to be easily offended as a Catholic).  This is only the sainted Maple Leafs’ latest salvo at the game of hockey.  Forget their overly inflated prices for everything ranging from game tickets to concession food to foam fingers, because practically every pro sports team is guilty of that sin, the Leafs have shown once again they only care for themselves.  Among their list of sins against the game of hockey include their refusal to allow the hallowed grounds of Maple Leaf Gardens to be sold to Eugene Melnick, who wanted to install his St. Michael’s Majors OHL team in the beloved building.  What a perfect placement that would have been, but no, MLSE would have no part of that, fearing competition for second-rate concerts and, god knows what, tractor pulls.  Once the AHL Toronto Roadrunners couldn’t make a go of it at the CNE Coliseum/Ricoh Centre, the Leafs swooped in and installed the St. John’s Maple Leafs…and a bunch of second-rate concerts and tractor pulls.  A cynic (who, me?) could lazily point to over forty years of inept NHL hockey, but honestly, the Leafs since 1993 have iced a number of competitive teams that reached the Final Four, so that’s not an accurate shot.  Regardless of how one feels about the entire sordid Phoenix Coyotes situation, it’s interesting, and a bit alarming, to think that the Maple Leafs may believe themselves to be the tail that wags the NHL dog.  Alarming, but typical….the red jersey the Minnesota Wild wear at home is a beautiful thing, even if it reminds me of the Quebec Remparts, and adding to all this sweater splendour is their recently unveiled third jersey.  Now that green sucker will make one fine addition to my collection this Christmas, and just in time, as my five-year-old son recently discovered where all my hockey and baseball uniforms hang….it’s great to be paid to talk and write about hockey, but after ten months of the game, I crave a break.  Anything but hockey.  Baseball, CFL (hey, I’m Canadian), even NFL training camps.  But no puck.  Well, so I thought.  Sadly, this past Thursday evening, even after being up for close to 22 hours due to doing Hockey This Morning with the Shalley-Lama, I found myself logging onto the TSN website and trying to catch parts of the Red-White Team Canada scrimmage at the Saddledome in Calgary.  It was kind of difficult to see clearly, and at times I swear I heard Foster Hewitt mispronouncing names.  It’s probably as close as I’ll ever get to replicating the experience of listening to a Saturday night hockey game on the wireless, though as a kid in Calgary, my Dad built me a crystal radio one summer, and I fiddled with that thing long into the night, hoping to hear something besides Top 40….how much longer until it’s acceptable to start your hockey pool?  Our XM NFL pool just held its draft this past Sunday (I got Kurt Warner, yet Joe Thistel ended up with both Peyton Manning and Tom Brady…how???), and our MLB pool is in full swing (as defending champion, I currently sit a disappointing fourth out of eight teams).  Where is Rob Higgins when you need him?…best way to build up your wrist shot?  Find an apple tree, and when those suckers fall to the ground, which they’ve been doing for the past month (trust me), instead of bagging them, shoot them into the bushes, or the garden, in my case.  Oh sure, you could eat them, but it would be best to do that before they hit the ground, or are riddled with worms…who’s the player you most want to see with their new team?  Personally, I’m itching to see Ray Emery in that splendid orange uniform of the Philadelphia Flyers, for so many reasons.  Now, I can never actually cheer for the Evil Empire Jr., but I’m pulling for Emery….as for the Flyers, it’s been 34 years and counting since they last hoisted the Stanley Cup.  Unthinkable.  The Bruins, 37 years.  Also unthinkable.  Putting aside the so-called Original Six, how have all the other “classes” of teams faired in the Cup count?  The 1967 teams have been pretty successful.  The Penguins have three, the Flyers two, and the Stars one.  Okay, in Dallas, but it still counts.  C’mon Blues, it’s been 1970 since you got to the big dance.  Speaking of 1970, that class of graduates have each gotten to the Final twice and lost.  No luck here.  1972 can boast of five Cups, four for the Islanders and one for the Flames, though it was up north in Calgary.  1974 has three Cups, though they were captured, of course, in New Jersey, not Kansas City, or even Denver.  The Caps made to the Final once.  Odds are they’ll get there again real soon.  1979 has been rather successful.  The WHA refugees have won eight Cups between them.  Five for the Oilers, two for the Nordiques, ahh, Avalanche, and one for the Whalers, ahh, Hurricanes.  Any surprise the Jets/Coyotes/Steelbacks haven’t won any?  The Sharks represent the Class of ‘91, and they represent the Texas Rangers in the NHL.  No appearances in the Classic, Spring in this case.  Tampa has the lone Cup from the 1992 kids, though Ottawa got a shot at it, and they lost to the Ducks of the Class of 1993.  Their expansion cousins, the Panthers, have one appearance in the Final.  Anyone we missed?  The Thrashers, Predators, Blue Jackets and Wild?  Nope.  Nothing from those four yet.  Is that all the teams in the NHL???  Did I add up the Cups won correctly?  Hey look it’s now 12:07 am eastern time.  You try doing all this off the top-of-your-head at this hour, without using Google.  At least it got me to September.  Pre-season NHL games in fifteen days.

- Mick Kern

I, Mick Kern, one of the friendly neighborhood hosts of NHL Home Ice, after much thought, do declare that:

- the Boston Bruins will almost miss the playoffs
- the Tampa Bay Lightning will just miss the playoffs
- John Tavares will be lucky to score ten goals this season
- Evgeni Malkin will be traded a few weeks before the NHL Trading Deadline
- two members of the Calgary Flames will fight on-ice, with each other, during a game this season

- Alex Kovalev will score 18 goals this season, 17 of them against the Montreal Canadiens
- Dominik Hasek will attempt another comeback
- the KHL will cobble together a financial offer so overwhelming that Alexander Ovechkin actually books a one-way airline ticket to Moscow, before being talked out of it by Tony Robbins
- Boomer Gordon will open up the phones during his XM Home Ice show and take phone calls from the listeners
- the Detroit Red Wings will be exposed as the liars and cheaters that they’ve been since 1997

- it will be a balmy 58 degrees at Fenway on January 1st
- Kevin Lowe and Brian Burke will bump into each other at a Raleigh-area Burger King, sit down and share a Whopper together
- Jim Balsillie will put in a bid for the remaining 29 National Hockey League franchises
- Peter Laviolette will replace Paul Maurice as the head coach of the Carolina Hurricanes
- it will be rumoured one particular NHL head coach twitters his line changes to his players
- this will quickly come to an end, when he realizes a third of them can’t read

- for some reason, Blaine Lacher will receive an impressive number of Hockey Hall of Fame votes, just missing the cut
- Versus will hire Maggie the Monkey
- Scott Laughlin will grow a mustache
- after winning the “Battle of the Blades” reality contest show on CBC, Tie Domi will enter MMA
- Jim Balsillie will try to buy MMA

- Sean Avery will take a vow-of-silence
- Jeremy Roenick, even retired, thankfully will not
- Germany will win the Olympic Gold for men’s hockey at the 2010 Winter Games in Vancouver
- the NHL will announce they are adding two teams in time for the 2011-12 season
- one of those teams will be in Milwaukee, the other rumoured to be in Tulsa

- bloggers for the Detroit Red Wings and Washington Capitals will continue to show their complete ignorance of the game of hockey
- except for Paul Kukla, who, unfortunately for him, will have at least two of his hockey viewing parties crashed by Rossy and Mick
- Saku Koivu will raise the Stanley Cup in June as a member of the Anaheim Ducks
- Scarlett Johansson will leave her husband, and shack up with an on-air host at NHL Home Ice
- sadly, it won’t be me

- Mick Kern

So the overhyped 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver may be the last Winter Games that feature the players of the National Hockey League.

Well, life goes on.  I’ll still have to drag my butt out of bed, catch that bus to make the west-bound subway, walk 15 minutes through the Toronto slush, in order to descend the stairs and see the smiling face of Boomer.

I understand the reasons why it’s a good thing to have NHL players at the Winter Olympics.  I also appreciate the fact that the Games will go on without them.

Count me among the camp that just can’t get all that excited about pro hockey players at the Olympics.  A big deal is made about how strong the teams will be for 2010, and a cursory glance at the rosters confirms that contention.

But so what?  I find it very hard to get excited about a ringer team (pick your country of choice) that are thrown together for a scant couple of days at the tail end of August, and then don’t congregate together until a scant couple of days before the Big Event.

Outside of blind nationalism, which has never been my cup-of-tea, I have been unable to find the motivation to emotionally bond with any of these teams, be it 1998, 2002 or 2006.

Canada broke its (shameful, so we were often told) decades long Gold Medal drought at the 2002 Salt Lake City games, and it was one of the most watched TV sporting events in Canadian history.  Hey, everyone loves a winner.

But outside of Wayne Gretzky popping a few blood vessels trying to circle the Canadian hockey wagons, I found it all a grand bore.  Yes, these were the best players in the world playing hockey, but it came off a touch sterile, devoid of real emotion.

Sure, if I was on that team, I would have been caught up in the drama.  But I wasn’t.  Like most, I watched from the comfort of my couch.

And from that perch, the entire thing was over just as it got started.  I had no time to identity with the team, as in the collection of individual talents and egos that make up any team in any sport.  How does that disparate group of athletes jell as a team?  What are the stories and subtexts of such a development?  Such a narrative usually takes time to unfold; two weeks is not sufficient.

Still, the sport of hockey belongs in the Winter Olympics, because, well, because it’s a winter sport, despite the effort of the NHL to push the Stanley Cup Final into July.

So when Toronto Maple Leafs’ GM and all-around blustery guy Brian Burke mentions that he’d like to see hockey moved to the Summer Olympics, it makes me take off my weathered Kansas City Royals cap and scratch my head.

Why? 

The men’s gold medal game is arguably the centrepoint of the entire two-week sporting orgy.  At the very least, it is the winter equivalent of the men’s marathon; it’s the big bang that ends the Games.  To rip it from its rightful place, and plunk it down in the midst of the Summer Games would be almost as stupid as signing Colton Orr to a contract.

First, as previously mentioned, it is a winter sport, thus it belongs beside its brethren; skating, skiing, skiing and shooting, skiing and shooting and racing, luge.

Second, in the Summer Games, Ice Hockey would get lost.  Correction…it would get swamped.  By the 100 metres, by basketball, by the marathon, by the swimmer-of-the-moment, and by women’s beach volleyball, just to name a few.

Third, do NHL stars really want to forgo a large part of their summer so that they can play competitive hockey?  I agree with Burke’s point that it’s foolhardly (my words) to shut down the National Hockey League in the middle of the season, and troop off to a country and have the best players play while everyone else sits at home playing Rock Band for two weeks.

But that’s not enough motivation to remove hockey from the Winter Games.  Why should the Olympic Games bow to the demands of the NHL?

Don’t get me wrong on that last point.  The tall foreheads in the NHL often make frustratingly short-sighted decisions, but they look like humanitarian futurists compared to the Lords of the Rings.  The Olympic Games continue to be a cesspool of graft and corruption, and stupid, stupid, stupid squandering of public funds.

Fellow Canucks, prepare yourself for the onslaught of propaganda insisting that the gold medal’s Canadian athletes take home this February far outweigh the public cash poured into someone’s pocket in the private sector.  And remember this, Chicago, when you bid for the Summer Games.  Almost without exception, every Olympic Games goes well over budget, and guess who get’s left with the bill.  That’s already happening in Vancouver.  Yet we abandon all reason and quiver at the knees at the prospect of holding the Games in our own city.

Ahh, but the Games will go on.  Bread and Circuses persist to this day, so one might as well belly up to the bar and partake in the feeding frenzy.

And to that end, I’d prefer to see a return to a national hockey team playing in the Winter Olympics.  Maybe, like soccer, they should set an age limit for participation.  If a return to that system is unworkable, how about having the world junior’s forgo the Boxing Day tournament every four years, and play for Olympic Gold.  Really, only Canadians care, on a large scale, about that fine tournament.  Attach the allure of an Olympic Gold Medal to that event, and you’d probably broaden its appeal.

But whatever you do, leave the sport of hockey in the Winter Olympics.  If the NHL teams and players wanna take their puck and go home, let them.  We don’t need any more manufactured drama, nor does the league need to shut down its product during two weeks of the worst month of the year.

Then again, having NHL stars play in the Olympics means there’s no NHL All-Star Game that season.

Hmm, let me reconsider this.

- Mick Kern

Time for yet another podcast of “The One Percentile” featuring Eric Gage and Mick Kern.

This week, the guys tackle a variety of subjects.  First off, they talk about cottages and British Columbia.  Then, they leave North America and head on over to the KHL, and discuss the long-term viability of that league.  They also talk about the city of Edmonton, Jacques Lemaire back with the Devils, the wacky Blackhawks and the “reassignment” of GM Dale Tallon, the Sears Tower in Chicago, hockey players who Twitter, cottage weather, the MLB 2009 All-Star Game, how to spice up the NHL All-Star Game, and politicians throwing out the first pitch.

We’ll see you again in mid-August.  And remember, you can find us on itunes in Canada, and in parts of New Zealand.

You can hold all the outdoor games you want, change the uniforms, monkey around with the rules, and place franchises in the weirdest locations, but in the end, most kids will still get hooked on hockey in the old-fashioned way…hockey cards and collectables.

My five-year-old son is surrounded by hockey and sports memorabilia thanks to my life-long obsession with the stuff.  Up to now, he’s been more interested in Batman, and Megatron, and Hot Wheels, but every so often, he’ll cast a glance over to the Upper Deck hockey cards or Topps baseball cards I’ve picked up for him.

The other morning, while taking 25 minutes to eat Rice Krispies (without milk), my son haphazardly built a wall of toys around his Lightning McQueen cereal bowl.  It consisted of a motley collection of cheap plastic hockey players and the much more impressive McFarlane Ovechkin figure in his white Washington uniform.

As he surveyed his kingdom, my son’s gaze rested on the Eric Staal figure in his bright red Carolina jersey.  Slowly turning the figure over in his hand, he looked up and me, and in a very matter-of-fact fashion, informed his Dad that there were a lot of hockey teams that were named after storms….and then he went back to kind of eating his Rice Krispies.

With that in mind, my son and I have reconfigured the National Hockey League to be more kid friendly.  Hey, the league already jettisoned the old Adams and Patrick Division names.  Why stop there?  Yes, there will be some scheduling problems, but then again, this is a league that has Columbus in the West, so anything is possible.  Plus it’s summer.  Tomorrow we’ll be busy building a rink out of Popsicle sticks.

NATIONAL HOCKEY LEAGUE 2009-2010

Natural Disaster Division

Carolina Hurricanes
Tampa Bay Lightning
Colorado Avalanche
Calgary Flames
Toronto Maple Leafs
Dallas Stars

Furry Friends Division

Boston Bruins
Florida Panthers
Phoenix Coyotes
Nashville Predators

Big Bird Division

Pittsburgh Penguins
Atlanta Thrashers
Anaheim Ducks
Philadelphia Flyers

Megatron Attack Division

Buffalo Sabres
San Jose Sharks
Minnesota Wild
New Jersey Devils

It’s A Small World Division

Montreal Canadiens
Vancouver Canucks
Washington Capitals
New York Islanders

Crayola Division

Detroit Red Wings
Chicago Blackhawks
St. Louis Blues
Columbus Blue Jackets

People In Your Neighborhood Division

Edmonton Oilers
Los Angeles Kings
New York Rangers
Ottawa Senators

- Mick Kern and Son

After a week off to weed through all the offers that came their way during NHL Free Agency, The One Percentile returns with Podcast #14. 

This week, Eric and Mick talk about the legend of Joe Sakic, Rick Nash staying in Columbus, Alex Kovalev with the Senators, Tim Wakefield on the AL All-Star team, when to trade your best player, Eric takes shots at the city of Los Angeles, Mick responds by trashing the city of Ottawa, they both trash Dany Heatley, they discuss the city of Chicago being a great sports town, and then they wrap up with some Indy Car Talk, and which Marian got the better deal this past week, Hossa or Gaborik. 

And then they rest.

Wilco, without a doubt the best band in the world at this moment, released their latest album last week.  Titled Wilco (The Album), it was eagerly anticipated by a legion of fans and music media who, for the most part, have shared a similar sentiment about the new release…

While the album’s good, it’s not necessarily up to the high standards of past Wilco offerings. 

Which is unfair, and probably inaccurate, to already have decided the fate of a release a scant seven days into its public life (yes, it was available earlier on the band’s website).  Still, take your pick of some of their earlier work…Being There, Summerteeth, Yankee Hotel Foxtrot, A Ghost Is Born, Sky Blue Sky.  All fine albums, with each one setting up massive expectations for the next release.  And so far, Jeff Tweedy and crew have managed to scale those self-inflicted peaks, though in each case, it’s taken some time for fans and critics to have their eyes opened to the gems contained within.

In an earlier life, I reviewed new releases by a wide spectrum of bands.  What always bothered me was the need, due to the magazine deadline, to pass judgement on an album after only, at the most, a half-dozen listens.  Some records/CD’s require time to reveal all their hidden beauty; a cursory listen may turn up the radio-friendly hits, but not the real gold underneath.  If anything, a music reviewer/magazine should be required to revisit a reviewed album six months later.

While listening to Wilco’s latest offering on the way to work today, the immediate lukewarm reaction to it reminded me of much of the hockey world’s reaction to what GM Bob Gainey has done with the Montreal Canadiens in the past two weeks.

After watching his team take a nosedive after the All-Star break, firing head coach Guy Carbonneau, taking over behind the bench himself, and getting swept by the Boston Bruins in the first round of the playoffs (all this during the overblown 100th anniversary celebrations), Gainey is understandably under considerable pressure to improve the lot of the Canadiens for the 2009-10 campaign.

He’s cast his lot with underachieving goaltender Carey Price, which might, in part, explain why Jacques Martin was brought aboard as head coach.  Gainey was facing a summer of significant roster turnover, as a number of players were set to become unrestricted free agents on July 1st.

While many in the media, and fans as well, were curious as to how Gainey would manage this off-season, most pointed to the fact that the Habs would benefit from having a lot of cap room to play around with.  Surely they’d be able to land the big stud centre the team has lacked since…since…Pete Mahovlich???

What about the Vinnie rumours?  How about Gaborik or Hossa?  Should they keep Komisarek or go a different direction?  And what about Kovalev and Kaptain Koivu?

So many questions, and Gainey began to answer them by engineering a pre-July 1st trade with the similarly underachieving New York Rangers.  Suddenly, Scott Gomez was a Hab.  That deal seemed to knock over a series of dominoes, which ended up revealing the names of Hal Gill, Mike Cammalleri,  Brian Gionta and Jaroslav Spacek, not to mention Perry Pearn.

Almost immediately, the reviews on Montreal Canadiens (The Album) were mixed, at best.  Were the Habs a better team now than they were in April?  Did they address any of the myriad of issues that faced this team going into the summer?  Are all these players too small?  Okay, Hal Gill excepted, but in his case, is he too slow?  Where’s that stud centre we’re all been clamouring for?  Why allow Kovalev to leave…and for Ottawa of all places?  Has he ever spent any real time there?  (To butcher Sinatra…I wanna sleep in the city that never wakes up).

Some have noted that Gainey and his Canadiens have moved neither forwards nor backwards with all these free agent signings and trades, but rather they have moved sideways.  As in, yes, things have changed, the team sports a new face today, but to what end?

This past weekend, a few of us from NHL Home Ice made the 10-hour car trip from Toronto, down over to Chicago (the home of Wilco), to catch the Cubs and Milwaukee Brewers at Wrigley on July 4th.  Being baseball season, there are White Sox and Cubs stuff everywhere in that town.  The NFL Bears were well represented, as were the Bulls.  Even noticed a couple of guys wearing Blackhawk caps, and more than a few shop windows displaying Blackhawk jerseys.

Regardless, for all the justified hype about the re-emergence of the Chicago Blackhawks, the Windy City is first-and-foremost an NFL town, then a baseball town, then the Bulls, and then the Hawks, make no mistake about it.

While we were there, the scandal involving possible contract errors by the Blackhawks were all the buzz back in hockey country, meaning Canada.  It was on the general sportscasts, as each and every hockey-related story is.

Nary a peep in Chicago, and I was monitoring the local television stations, and had my AM radio with me to listen to 670 The Score.  They had a brief mention of it, before going back to discussing the pennant chances of the Cubbies, and what Jay Cutler meant to the Bears.

Yet in Montreal, a hundred or so fans of the Canadiens held a rally to demand that GM Bob Gainey re-sign Alex Kovalev.  Have they seen Kovalev actually play these past few seasons?  Madness, I tell you.

Blackhawks’ GM Dale Tallon can screw up by signing over-priced over-rated free agents Brian Campbell and Cristobal Huet, and the hardcore fan base in that city will pillorize him for it, but he doesn’t have to face the same degree of pressure as a Bob Gainey, or a Brian Burke, or a Ken Holland.  While it’s on the radar, hockey gets lost in cities such as Chicago.  Let’s face it, hockey gets lost in almost every American city.  Make no mistake about it.

Yet in Canada, where apparently we have nothing better to do, every story is magnified, often far beyond its relative importance.  But that’s the way it is up here in Hockeyland.  Which helps to explain the overwhelming number of thumbs down reviews about Gainey and his moves so far this off-season.  We all think we know better up here.  There’s no allowance to actually see what these new acquisitions might do come October, we’ve already passed judgement.

50,000,000 critics can’t be wrong, but like all those stellar Wilco albums, this one will take some time to see if Gainey has engineered a masterpiece, or if all those signings were just the thrashings of a desperate man.

- Mick Kern

(and I paraphrase…)

“The New York Islanders want to thank the people of Montreal for their hospitality, and would also like to say hello to the 15,000 fans at the Nassau Veterans Memorial Coliseum”.

“The Colorado Avalanche would like to give a shout out to all the fans gathered at all the draft parties across Denver this evening”.

“The Phoenix Coyotes would like to say hi to our half-dozen fans who are gathered at the West Olive Avenue Burger King”.

- Mick Kern

Without a doubt, it was when the Tampa Bay Lightning chose Victor Hedman with the second pick overall, and the camera caught Matt Duchesne pumping his fist and breaking into a wide grin.  Yes, Duchesne grew up a fan of the Colorado Avalanche, who had the third pick, and used it to nab the Brampton Battalion, but then again, maybe he was just as happy NOT to have been taken by the sideshow known as the Bolts.

And so much for the endless speculation over how Type-A GM Brian Burke was going to hijack the draft and snare top-rated prospect John Tavares, though, you know, the weekend isn’t over yet.  After weeks of maintaining his vow-of-silence, Islanders’ GM Garth Snow walked up to the podium and made Tavares an Islander.

The camera wouldn’t have been able to capture it, but maybe Duchesne was doing a little fist pump in his head.

- Mick Kern

It’s Lucky 13 for The One Percentile Podcast.  Eric and Mick tackle the selections for the Hockey Hall-of-Fame, whether-or-not Eric Lindros should be in that Hall, NHL players figure skating, should there be one or two Winter Classic Games, NHL players at the Olympics, who should be calling the shots in Tampa, F1 races in North America, and when they should record their next podcast.  Two weeks from Wednesday, by the way. 

And remember, if you’re in Canada, we’re now on itunes.